Red Wine Saves Lives

Day 3 of Snowmageddon 2011.

The storm was mean, really mean.

Benny and his band of 1 were really layin it on me....and they knew all the tricks.

Screaming, begging, tugging, clinging, crying, following. These were no amateurs.

The sauce was calling me. I had every intention of waiting until noon for that glass of wine, but 11:59 was taunting me, so I had to make it my b*tch. My nerves were rattled, there was only so much I could take being cooped up with these animals. The dogs, too.

Hard to tell which one is the leader. The tall one is the brains, but the small one is the heavy. Genius, really. You strenghten one by focusing on the other.

They had me and they knew it.

Day one, they worked on my soft side. Cuddles and "oooh, look at the snow".

Really played me like a fiddle.

Day two, why didn't I see it?! They were slowly but surely making their demands, setting me up.

Day three, they're cracking me like a nut and I'm powerless against them.

I thought the short one was asleep, so I let down my guard and ran a hot bath with lavendar. It was a trap. Two to nine consecutive verses of "scooby dooby doo" over the monitor. Man, this kid is good.


Shhh, what's that? It's calling me. "Mommy..." A word they use every 14 seconds. It's in their native tongue, I think it means 'waitress'.

Then, "I need to go tee tee". It's the small one again, what are they up to now?

Then the big one asks to play a game. He has cards.

What kind of sick trap is this?

Sure, Benny (if that is your name). We stare. I have him this time. "Have you cleaned your room like I asked"?

Oh, God. There's stuff coming from his eyes. D*ammit, I knew it, another set up. Something about Legos. I'm powerless!!

When will this nightmare end? Wait, what is that peeeking through my blinds? I think I'm hallucinating. No, it's...it's....it's either the sun or the Son of God. Whatever it is, it's my only hope.

***Will she make it? Will she, can she, take back control of her own home? Will the snow plows hurry the f*ck up and clear the path to the school?! Tune in tomorrow, if there actually is a tomorrow.***

B.E.R.O.C.

My dad hates Christmas. Actually, that's not fair. To say that would imply that he dislikes what Christmas is supposed to be. On the contrary, he thinks that Christmas should be about what it actually is, not the cluster is has become. Even saying it is difficult.

I get it, but I gotta say...I do enjoy a good Christmas cluster.

I like the buzz of the holiday shopping and the lights everywhere and the trees and traditions and songs and presents and Santa and flying reighndeer and wassail (mmmmm, wassail) and the MOVIES and...I just happen to think it's a magical time a year and kind of a big deal.

I do agree w/dear old dad on one point....people spend WAY too much money for Christmas. I love to see what the Neiman's Christmas catalog is going to have in it, but OMG. I'm all about getting my kiddos what they really want for Christmas, but if I have to participate in Black Friday doorbusters to get it at a price I can actually afford, forget it. In my opinion, standing in line outside in the cold at 2:00am for "that" Best Buy doorbuster is mucho stupido!

So, in the spirit of keeping things in control and not turning this holiday into something it really shouldn't be, I present to you the Blackwood Esty Rules Of Christmas. They are a lot like the rules that we had last year, just an amendment or two.

1. You may not spend more than $10 on each person.
2. Price tags must be left on the gift AND a receipt must be produced if requested.
3. A gift of an iPad or iPhone will immediately lead to a DQ from this Christmas AND next and must be forfeited to the judge (me). Actually, this may be a good option for you, Dad, if you were looking for an easy out. Just sayin'.
4. Stockings are not included in the $10 gift giving, but a judge's ruling may be required if a significantly large gift is slipped into a stocking in hopes of avoiding "the rules".
5. This year, it is allowed to pool your money to get a gift for one person that is more than $10. For example, let's say I really want to get my dad a Brittney Spears greatest hits CD. But, uh oh, it's $15. If my mom wants to chip in her $10 that she has for my dad, then we can get it for him.
6. Cheaters make God cry. Ok, this is not a rule but rather a reminder.
7. Tax does not have to be included in the $10. It's a nice touch if you can do it, but not required.
8. You must be between the ages of 10 and 90 to participate. These rules do not apply to those outside the age range. There is really nothing to argue here. If you are, say 93, you are entitled to get whatever you want.

So there they are....the rules of Christmas. You honor the integrity of Christmas, you give some gifts that you actually had to put some thought into and everyone is happy. Well, except for Best Buy. UNLESS I get dad's Brittney Spears CD there. Then they'll be happy, too.

Go On, Pr*cks!!!

I hate republicans. Not something that I would have just made a blanket statement and meant a few years ago. I still thought that a few of them had an arguable point here and there. I hate a few Dems, too. It just seems like everyone has lost their mind!

I read this headline this morning on MSNBC: GOP to attack health care law 'piece by piece'

Riddle me this....if the Dems were wasting precious time and enery focusing on health care instead of creating jobs and boosting the economy, why are Republicans making a line item dismantle....'piece by piece', if you will....their first order of business?! Who will be creating jobs while they are doing this? What will they say when it's election time and now the Repubs have to answer the tough questions about why THIS was what they chose to focus on? Oh wait, that will be the President's fault too, right? They'll just say that they had to clean up his mess and that doesn't happen overnight...right?!

Here's the link: http://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=6966123918303985839

P.S. BTW, Boehner, you are a HUGE tool.

Adults Like Roller Skating

As I am one step closer to being a parent of a kid in the double digits, I am shocked at how fast times flies. Blink and another year has past.

BUT, my fellow time warpers, let me tell you where time stands still...the skating rink!!

The last time that I went skating was at Thunderbird Roller Rink in Plano, Tx. It was SOOOOO the 80's!! Joan Jett lovin' her rock and roll, Duran Duran was hungry like the wolf, Michael Jackson's Thriller was THE DEAL and, let's not forget, the hokey pokey in the center. You know what I'm talking about.

Well, I just went roller skating recently and it was almost exactly as I remembered! I was shocked.

The first thing I noticed, and when I say "noticed" I mean being hit in the face with a memory, it SMELLED EXACTLY THE SAME! It was loud, there were flashing lights and it was filled with every level of skater. The wobbly novice that does more stepping than rolling and slowly goes around with arms straight out for balance. The intermediate that can really get up some good speed, but has trouble with stopping (me). The freebird that you can find lying on the roller rink floor in fits of laughter after tripping and falling. And finally...the pro. You know this guy, taking turns around the rink with skate over skate flair...inside leg and arm keeping form, outside leg and arm doing all the work.

The skates are the same. Super hard on the ankles, laces for days.

There was an awesome disco ball.

They still "slow it down a little" and have slow skates.

They even play some of the same music from way back in the day...yay!!!

What's different?

The cha cha slide.

You could also get inline skates.

I did not see Mentos at the snack bar.

And then there was this....



I do have to admit that the second I opened the doors and heard the music rattling the windows I thought, "man, this place is so loud!" I did also find myself wishing that some of those little kids would just slow down while they were bobbing and weaving in and out of the tables and seating area. C'mon, leave that on the skate floor people!

Have I outgrown this? I don't really think so. I think if I had then I wouldn't have laughed as much as I did and I wouldn't have immediately thought that "the gang" needs to come back on adult night. Laura did have a good point, though. After skating in one direction for a while, you just need 'em to change directions so that you can give your hip a break. Sheesh.

Here's a thought that makes you think. The last time that I was on roller skates was in the 80's when I was probably 10 or 12, give or take. Shocking, I know, but that's not the weird part. The weird part is that, as I was making that last lap around the rink, not only was I unaware it would be my last for twenty something years, but I had no clue that the next time I would have that roller rink wind in my hair, it would be at my own 9 year old son's birthday party. Crazy, huh?

Oh, and please don't forget....Safety First!

My Wish....

I would like to take the political line between Democrats and Republicans and turn it into a big 'ol circle. Next I would make all of us sit inside that circle until we agree that what we must do in this country is spend our time, energy and brain power fixing the massive problems that continute to threaten our financial and democratic prosperity and STOP entertaining these "discussions" about things that, even if we did come to an agreement on, wouldn't fix a thing.

I would also like to buy the world a Coke.

Define Smart.

I heard Laura Ingraham call Sarah Palin "smart" this morning which literally made me do this....





Thanks for the laugh.

P.S. You're an idiot.

To the Window, to the Wall....

The title make no sense to you? Well that's because you weren't on the float of a lifetime at the Buffalo with me and my friends!!

I got to go on a trip with adults! (I should clarify: our drivers licenses say that we are, in fact, adults. Our behavior on the river? More along the lines of college students.)

It was GREAT! No kids allowed. There were no timeouts (okay, one) and no dirty diapers (ok, one)....just me, hubs, 5 great friends, a crap-ton (actual measurement) of food and beer and some serious good times. Memories galore!

Now, if you have had one of these so-called adult weekends, but just aren't sure if it was a memorable success, here are some questions to ask yourself to find out if you have just had a great weekend with your friends:


#1 Were there were countless things that were so funny and SO great, but to tell someone else would be a waste of time? Classic you-had-to-be-there material? Let me give you some examples.

Here we go: Doritos, the Great Leach Prank of 2010 (actually, not funny), Jamaican footwear, Mush!, the unintended spill into the drink, butth*le infection, "we're taking on water", Alanis concert on the porch, Journey concert EARLY in the morning, "can't touch this".

Did you laugh? See, you weren't there. Not humorous. Except maybe"butth*le infection". That's just funny.

Okay, moving on....


#2 Are there things that keep coming back to you days after you've gotten home and they make you laugh out loud when they come to mind?

I literally laughed out loud while driving with my 9 yr old in the backseat of the car. He thought I was a little cuckoo-bananas.


#3 Did you start planning the next trip on the way home?

I wish that this blog posting could have been filled with more stories that make you laugh until you fall out of your chair (I did that on this trip, except it was a shoreline that I "fell out" of), but the point is that if you have friends like I do, both past and present, you have these little moments, these little incidents that you had to be there for to laugh at and commit to eternal memory. Like "fry, pie and large poffee"....Melissa Claire. Put it in the vault.

So while I am sorry that I am not splitting your sides with the story about beating someone with the insole of my shoe (Laura), I feel so fortunate that I was there while they were happening and that I share them with the people that I share them with. I'm also thankful that they will tolerate my random belting of songs. And belching.

Look, you just had to be there.

It's too bad you weren't, really. The story about Wade giving Chad his Ball sack is pretty funny.